Monday, June 21, 2010

Doppelganger

I don’t know why I’m writing this to you or if I will actually send it. I don’t even know what I hope to accomplish by writing this all down.
By now you may or may not have realized that I haven’t been in town for a few days, but now a sense of loneliness has crept up and taken hold of me and I guess I am trying to reach out and see if anyone remains who will help me, or even recognize my “problem.”
If, up to this point, you haven’t noticed my absence, then things are as I suspected they would become and my double has taken over my life in town.
I am in one of the hotels our group had traveled to in the past (I prefer not to say which one, and in any case, I don’t intend to stay here for very long.), but I am getting fidgety thinking that perhaps I was rash in running away from the situation.
When odd things started happening and I mentioned it to you, you seemed to take it very lightly. I tried to make a fiction of it because that’s what I do, but as I took notes, events became more serious, at least to me, and I could not figure out how to deal with them.
Rather than rehash my uncomfortable experience, I quote here something I found on the Internet in hopes that you may understand why I ran away.
“Responsibility assumption is a doctrine … holding that each individual has substantial or total responsibility for the events and circumstances that befall them in their life. …the doctrine of responsibility assumption posits that the individual's mental contribution to his or her own experience is substantially greater than is normally thought. "I must have wanted this" is the type of catchphrase used … when encountering situations, pleasant or unpleasant, to remind them that their own desires and choices led to the present outcome.”
I am not crazy, and I don’t want people thinking I brought this “condition” on myself. Someone is out there impersonating me, and I think I need help.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Oddball

In the early part of the morning, I attended to business in the office. I didn’t get to see any of the other English teachers. None of them had classes until ten o’clock, though one or two usually arrived before then to make copies or print work sheets.
At five to eleven, I went out to the front office where the copy machine was and saw Dario there. I said good morning, but he just nodded.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Oh, you’re in a talking mood now?” he asked. “See when I offer to give you another lift.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You wouldn’t say anything last night.”
“At the party?”
“No, afterward, when I drove you home.”
“Drove me…what? But you left before I did.”
“Yes, but as I told you, the other party didn’t pan out. I was driving home when I saw you walking along the boulevard. You were so out of it, I guess you don’t remember.” Then he laughed. Being drunk was obviously more forgivable than being antisocial.
“What was I wearing?” I asked.
“The same clothes you had on at Angela’s. What are you talking about?”
“The same white shirt?”
“Yeah. Listen, I can’t talk now,” he said, “I got a class to teach. See you later.” He grabbed his copies and went toward the door. Suddenly he turned and said, “What do you think about Yolanda? I mean what do you think my chances are with her?”
“Chances?” I asked. “Well, first off, I think you’ll have to learn her language. You didn’t speak to her very much.”
“We did, a little. She’s not hard to speak with. She likes to keep things simple. In fact, she told me something doctors often use when making diagnoses. ‘When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.’”
“I guess you two had more of a conversation than I was aware of,” I said.
“Sure. We spoke quite a bit. Where is your head these days?” He glanced at his watch. “Hey, I’d better get going,” he said, “ I’m going to be late. I’ll see you later when you take a cigarette break.”
I had a class also, but it didn’t go well. My mind was on other things. I knew the cue ball colliding with the eight ball causes the eight ball to roll into the pocket. I had always felt as if I were the cue ball, but suddenly I was feeling like the eight.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Uncertainty

I had had feelings on which I had not acted. Then, I had suspicions of some kind of science-fiction/fantasy plot moving in on me. I was thinking about crystals and tricks of light, and I couldn’t concentrate on my work. There were so many things I wanted to do and felt I should do to set things straight in my head, but in the end I didn’t do any of them.
My friend has let it be known I am an old friend or acquaintance from the neighborhood he left behind. I do not yet walk on solid ground. He has given me some of the pieces from his portfolio to use as my own. A blood transfusion with a mismatched type could prove fatal. Many parts seem to fit, but eventually, I will have to go forth on my own merit.
I’m not afraid, merely uncertain. I’m looking for my own voice, and never having had one, I do not know what it sounds like.
I need to find Diana, for though she does not want me, I know I could learn from her smooth functioning.
Why, oh why, did the network announce their plans to start charging? He drew her back, and claimed what was his to place elsewhere. If I prove myself, I am certain he will set her free again. Her hatred of me is only for verisimilitude, and not so deeply entrenched. We belong together.
If I repeat that to myself often enough, I will come to believe it.